#32

Aku pun degil juga, kalau mahu berlaga degilnya. Tolong diminta tanpa budi bicara, tawar pula hati mahu melakukannya. Jadi, berserah apa nak diperkata. Bukan tidak mahu mengambil kira, tetapi aku pun degil juga.

Belum cecah dua dekad lagi di dunia, tetapi mahu dianggap tahu segala. Pernah dengar perkataan "bimbing"? Atau hanya tahu "marah" sahaja? Bukan aku tak terima seada, tetapi aku pun degil juga.

#31 Kau tak reti, tapi tak mahu mencuba.

Susah. Leceh. Penat. Buang masa. Apa lagi alasan kau?

Berapa jauh sanggup kau bawa diri kau untuk jadi lebih baik?
Sanggupkah buka langkah walaupun di hadapan kau itu gaung yang dalam dan curam?
Sanggup kau terjun jika berjaya itu ada di dasar?

Kalau jalan berduri sedikit pun kau tak sanggup duga, kemas balik barang kau dan jadi boneka.

Manusia tak guna.

#30

Talk cock.

Because you only care for your "idea of conscientiousness and courtesy", or whatever the f you called it. Whatever I did, or doing, or will do, will never make you think of me any more than "a typical malay average kid" because you're so way above others, is it? Or those other kids you met are too angelic than me? Sorry to disappoint. Sorry lah I'm not as godly thoughtful as you are, unfortunately.

The point is, minta tolong biar beradab. Kan boleh minta tolong elok-elok. There'll be not even a scratch on your ego pun kan. Maybe tak tengok things on the bright side kot, mesti nak semua as you think it should be kan? Theorotical perfectionist kan? Who cares about your fking shallow anger, but "tengs" for 'spreading' it to me anyways. Aku tak berhak untuk marah pun, tapi berhak untuk bersuara.

Madah beralas, marah berkias.

Yey my night is fucked again! (y)

#29

Kau.

Kau main dengan hati aku. Kau mainkan perasaan aku.

"Kalau tak sanggup, jangan kau dekati diriku. Apa lagi kau mainkan jiwaku."

Aku cuma punya secebis emosi yang masih setia melekat di jiwa. Jangan kau rugikan.

Pergi jauh-jauh.

#28

I ate a half-boiled egg, only before knowing it's duck's egg. I vomitted pretty soon after.

Damn. Terserlah bimbo aku.

Pieces

(now this is an amateur work that I made back when I was in Form 4, pretty shitty.)


The Truth stayed,
The Lights had dimmed out,
Now where did all the lies hid themselves?
And there were Dreams wandering around,
Were you sleeping?

I saw your eyes shut, though your mouth,

It was mumbling something,

It was some words,

But I couldn't hear enough to comprehend

Such gibberish thoughts that your sleeping self spilt.

Was your heart ever in pain?

Why did you conceal it beneath those smiles

That you threw to each that you passed by?

I could've been there by your side to listen

To your soul cries.

I had, I have always been there actually,

But did you ever notice my presence?

You let prejudicial thoughts into your head.

It held you down and left you with prejudicial mind, prejudicial life.

What do these 'prejudicial' meant?

Those prejudices that you had to yourself

And to people who actually cared for you.

You were plastic.

It made me sympathetic.

Heck if I said I love you, within I really do.

Now these feelings fade away, as the clock is ticking.

I can't understand why, but the time have me rushing.

Therefore,

Vale

My sweet amici.

Aeternum vale.

Throw me inside your story tale,

We shall meet again in Heaven

or Hell.

#27: Sweet Nothing

You live in a reality, made up in your mind.

What is reality?

Reality is a dark truth. And this dark truth you have to live in everyday, without you knowing it. Because you live in your own made up reality.

Do you want to escape?

Those who know of this, they created a fantasy. Partly delusional, in an unharmful way, externally. To conceal the dark truth, they coated their days with sugar. The sugar, means distractions. Distracting themselves from shitty truth with sweet lies.

They say the truth is bitter, it is.

You can't live telling only the truth. Everybody lies, eventually. You can possibly be honest by telling the alternative truth, which is basically partly the truth and partly a lie. Take it this (nasty) way, you wrap a shit in a paper, put it inside a plastic bag and show it to another person that it is a shit. The other person will know that it is a shit without ever knowing if it is a human's or a dog's, or how it looked like, or how pungent is the smell.

Yes, this is bullshit. Do you get my point though?

Not all truths are worth knowing. For an example, God purposedly does not reveal the exact time of the Day of Judgement, knowing we humans will go apeshit about it. Maybe that is a bad example, but you know what I'm trying to point out here.

There are some things we just do not necessarily have to know, because it might fuck us. The world is fair, humans are not. We had done shits we are not supposed to and we live trying to cover it up with something else. That's what made the truth dark.

The real reality is dark.
Live in yours.
Live in lies.
Be delusional.

J2

Here I am again, walking down the streets. The wireless headphone I just bought earlier, connected to the phone playing jazz tracks again. It's Toots Thielemans'. I love all these modern technology of wireless shits, ease me doing things. I'm still stuck in Malacca, while 'that other person' is already in his room typing something into his laptop. This Malacca though, is actually Amsterdam. I am not sure why, but I feel like I'm having some sort of a jet leg and a really bad headache. I don't remember drinking in the bar earlier. It already half past midnight. It is starting to get cold out here, although I am sweating. I'm wearing summer clothes, summer clothes in Malaysia, during winter, at Jonker Street, Malacca that is actually Amsterdam. The sweats starts to come out a lot more. Still having a bad headache, I faint.



I wake up, still at the bar. The bartender woke me, saying I dozed off and had a nightmare. He thought it was a seizure.
Fuck.


When I stand up from the chair, the world turns black. I'm on my bed.

#26

These days my head is full of shitty thoughts that I can't even think straight enough to write anything. I need to clean the mess up.