#48: dreams

Why does it take so long to get to sleep?

   Do you sleep to escape the dangers of life on this planet? Are you one of the people who stares at the ceiling, mind whirling with random, disconnected thoughts? Does the night seem to wrap around you as the bedcovers close in on you? Were you alone when you contemplated the things that are, that were and all the things that could be? What notes of which music shatter the sounds of your silence? Is it music that encourages your dream lover to dance with you? What about dancing makes her so touchable? Are your hands holding the partner of your dancing dreams? Does she smile when you twirl her around the floor? Will your eyes follow her footsteps?

   Do you lie awake at night wondering if the love she professes is real? What if it is nothing more than a physical attraction? How will you know that what you feel is real? What are the names of the emotions compressing your chest? Does she know how your palms sweat at this time of night? Have you shared that side of yourself with her? Your hands are reaching aren’t they? You’re searching for answers, for release from the brightness of the day, only in the dark do you feel safe to explore.

Darkness reveals.

   Do you want to reach your hand into the darkness and feel what reaches back? Will it be soft and welcoming? Does your imagination torment you with the idea that she might walk away, never to be seen from or heard of again?

   What about the things you’ve said in the past? Did you mean to be that kind of a person or did different words die on your lost faded lips? Will you remember your dreams when you wake? Do dreams of her brighten the mundane of your day? Have you ever considered that she might be just as insecure as you are? Why did you ever doubt that she loved you? Has she ever tried to change you? Or did she let you be who you are and you changed because you wanted to be a better person when you woke? Are you lying in bed waiting for someone to lift the sheets, caress the skin that lies waiting and slide into the coolness on the other side of the bed? Will the coolness yield to a fire that warms so much more than the tips of your fingers? Why is your hand hesitant when she lies waiting?

   When your mortal flesh touches a marbled goddess, when red hot blood screams through the blue of your veins, as you lose touch with consciousness and reality, when your body separates from your soul, when the two of you are lost in a swirling vortex of light, heat and night, then you’ll know. Never again will you have to ask:

"Why does it take so long to get to sleep?"

-Jessicaj, 28 november 2008/5.10pm

#47

"You deserve not me, but someone better. No, it's not that I can't be good for you.
But if I tried hard enough, I still think I'm not enough for you. But at the same time, I only want you to be mine. You are so perfect that I feel like shit sitting beside you.
I'm just a creepy crawly. I'm just a ball of negativity and oppositely, you can make fucking bears bounce around in a field of grass.
I hate looking down upon myself. But these twisted thoughts of mine wouldn't let me have a peace of mind.
And I think you should break with me."

#46

I'm done with looking shitty and being a mess.

Now I'll make sure you'll regret.

#45

Aku tidak tahu apa yang aku mahukan daripada kau. Balasan perasaan? Persahabatan? Atau hanya teman bermain kata-kata? Aku penat. Penat memberi harapan palsu kepada diri sendiri. Penat melayan soalan-soalan bodoh di dalam fikiran aku. Bikin celaru sahaja.

Tolong jangan mainkan perasaan ini, diri. Aku sudah cukup bergelut dengan masalah-masalah lain. Aku juga tidak mahu memberi harapan palsu kepada sesiapa.

Berceloteh tentang ini juga bodoh dan tidak menemukan jalan penyelesaian.

#44

I've made up my mind, I wanna be a little evil than usual.

#43

New kicks, bitch.

Alhamdulillah.

J4

"My mind is damaging faster than it can recover."

He thought, while staring into the river. The mountains swallowed the sun, welcoming the night to dim the world into darkness.

Being (by Muhammad Haji Salleh)

I am now me
Suddenly natural, sinking
Onto this familiar sofa
Level beside your fluid beauty
In this temperate
Corner of summer.
Our feuds with a broken world
Wind down to a quiet drone
Of emotions over words.

You are more than friend
To be and to understand,
Flow as I turn,
Ignore anxious language
Or mean for me
When sentences wither.
Beyond this language
I have met you.

Now being me
I have torn myself
From politics of the eyes
Or grammar of my syntax.
Being here
Meeting you
On the levelest plain of meaning.

Today, I may be me
Though foreign,
Human beyond the difference.

J3

"Aku taknak lari dari semua ini, tapi aku diguni bila aku berdiri. Ikat. Campak tepi. Lantang suara aku cuba persoal silap aku. Digolek. Jatuh ke dalam gaung.

Terhempuk kuat di dasar. Keringat-keringat pun kering pada badan. Masih gelap. Sepi lagi yang aku benci.

Sampai sekarang, dalam kepala."

A letter he read, slipped under the table in the living room.

#42

Larut dalam keduniaan. Kau menjunam diri ke laut hidup. Kau terkapai-kapai, cuba mengikut ombak, elak ditelan. Berenang mencari pantai, sebelum tenggelam kerana kejang. Terik, masin, silau, lalu kau pitam. Terdampar di sebuah pantai, kau terjaga.

"Dimana?"

Kau bertanya.

Pulau kerdil. Hanya kau seorang. Setiap mereka pun terdampar di pulau-pulau kerdil. Semua sendiri. Terpisah entah berapa jauh, tetapi di atas lautan yang sama. Mampukah kau kekal untuk hidup?

Sungguh, kita semua masing-masing sendiri, sepi. Harap cuma kau tidak menjadi zombi sebelum mati. Bertahan, masih jauh perjalanan. Jangan, kau berhenti sebelum kau tiba di penghujungnya.

Capisce'?

#41

Sure shit, man.
Loneliness is an addiction.

#40

Those people, I used to know them. Why are they so different now? Everything is used to be, I don't know, happier? I feel like I'm forced to move on and meet new people. Or am I just not worthy to be their friend anymore? I can never give them what others may, I can only offer annoyance and loyalty.

Fuck this. Hard.

I am surviving on a floating stone, between the probability of staying afloat or drag down into the deep. Maybe I'm just confused. Shits' too hormonal.

I need someone to talk to, but that someone do not exists. I hate this.

Tuhan, dan kegelapan.

Tuhanku
Aku ingin mandi panasnya hari
Masih melihat hadapan jalan yang belum jumpa hujung
Tunggu matahari memanjat gunung esok
Untukku

Tuhanku
Aku ingin menyalin kulit menjadi baharu
Aku sedar aku tidak boleh berpaling
Dari tali hitam yang aku titi
Bisik nafsu kembali

Tuhanku
Aku mengetuk pintu keampunanmu
Tanganku berbalut dengan doa
Darah dosa kering di parut dada
Keringat taubat menitik ke bumi

#39

I bottle up most of my emotions. Please don't let it burst.

The last time I burst out my anger, shit almost went wrong. I'm such a devil inside that I don't even know what I may do when these emotions take over me.

I'm usually patient and remain myself as calm as possible, people see it as a weakness. Well let's just say they're too lucky to only see that part of me, all nice and bubbly(not really).

Actually, I'm just ticked off by some fuckers who don't give shit about people with their narrow brains. I avoid confrontations as much as I could since it isn't going to benefit either parties.

"An act done in anger is an act doomed to destruction."

Ease me.

#38

Sukma terjerat
Cita yang celaru melarat
Aku penat
Meronta dalam gelap
Cepat
Cuba capai apa-apa yang aku boleh dapat
Kerekau ampun yang tuhan hidayat
Dikeliling panji suci
Memegang azimat
Seraya aku melantangkan kalimat
Dengar aku iqamat
Aku cuma dambakan selamat
Dari mimpi yang menyentap aku di katil dengan kuat
Malam ini
Duduk di samping aku
Aku dambakan perasaan erat
12:54

#37

Sometimes I'm so forgetful, it's worrying.

#36

"I don't know if we each have a destiny,
or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze. But i think, maybe it's both..maybe both is happening at the same time."

- Forrest Gump