#35

Everything's different now.

I need to control my emotions.

#34

Everyone needs something that gives them a sense of control.

Academicians, knowledge.
Rich people, money.
Politicians, influence.
Junkies, drugs.
Poor people, hope.

Something like that.
I believe I need two things simply, sanity and silence.
Not sure where I'm going with this.

End.

#33

To be an introvert,
Seldomly voicing out my opinions.

They didn't care to listen, they don't want to. I care to listen, I want to.

I open up, they close me, shut.

"You are not sensitive to others' need."

I distant myself because I naturally appreciate my alone time, when I don't have to please others. When I can be my own self, or whoever I think I am.

They look at me as something else.

Not friendly. Boring. Loner. Boring.

Dokkōdō(The Way of Walking Alone)

_Accept everything just the way it is.

_Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.

_Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.

_Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.

_Be detached from desire your whole life.

_Do not regret what you have done.

_Never be jealous.

_Never let yourself be saddened by a separation.

_Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.

_Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.

_In all things, have no preferences.

_Be indifferent to where you live.

_Do not pursue the taste of good food.

_Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.

_Do not act following customary beliefs.

_Do not collect 'weapons' or 'practice with weapons' beyond what is useful.

_Do not fear death.

_Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age.

_Respect God without counting on His help, your effort comes first.

_You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honor.(but Health is always prioritized)

_Never stray from the way.

#32

Aku pun degil juga, kalau mahu berlaga degilnya. Tolong diminta tanpa budi bicara, tawar pula hati mahu melakukannya. Jadi, berserah apa nak diperkata. Bukan tidak mahu mengambil kira, tetapi aku pun degil juga.

Belum cecah dua dekad lagi di dunia, tetapi mahu dianggap tahu segala. Pernah dengar perkataan "bimbing"? Atau hanya tahu "marah" sahaja? Bukan aku tak terima seada, tetapi aku pun degil juga.

#31 Kau tak reti, tapi tak mahu mencuba.

Susah. Leceh. Penat. Buang masa. Apa lagi alasan kau?

Berapa jauh sanggup kau bawa diri kau untuk jadi lebih baik?
Sanggupkah buka langkah walaupun di hadapan kau itu gaung yang dalam dan curam?
Sanggup kau terjun jika berjaya itu ada di dasar?

Kalau jalan berduri sedikit pun kau tak sanggup duga, kemas balik barang kau dan jadi boneka.

Manusia tak guna.

#30

Talk cock.

Because you only care for your "idea of conscientiousness and courtesy", or whatever the f you called it. Whatever I did, or doing, or will do, will never make you think of me any more than "a typical malay average kid" because you're so way above others, is it? Or those other kids you met are too angelic than me? Sorry to disappoint. Sorry lah I'm not as godly thoughtful as you are, unfortunately.

The point is, minta tolong biar beradab. Kan boleh minta tolong elok-elok. There'll be not even a scratch on your ego pun kan. Maybe tak tengok things on the bright side kot, mesti nak semua as you think it should be kan? Theorotical perfectionist kan? Who cares about your fking shallow anger, but "tengs" for 'spreading' it to me anyways. Aku tak berhak untuk marah pun, tapi berhak untuk bersuara.

Madah beralas, marah berkias.

Yey my night is fucked again! (y)

#29

Kau.

Kau main dengan hati aku. Kau mainkan perasaan aku.

"Kalau tak sanggup, jangan kau dekati diriku. Apa lagi kau mainkan jiwaku."

Aku cuma punya secebis emosi yang masih setia melekat di jiwa. Jangan kau rugikan.

Pergi jauh-jauh.

#28

I ate a half-boiled egg, only before knowing it's duck's egg. I vomitted pretty soon after.

Damn. Terserlah bimbo aku.

Pieces

(now this is an amateur work that I made back when I was in Form 4, pretty shitty.)


The Truth stayed,
The Lights had dimmed out,
Now where did all the lies hid themselves?
And there were Dreams wandering around,
Were you sleeping?

I saw your eyes shut, though your mouth,

It was mumbling something,

It was some words,

But I couldn't hear enough to comprehend

Such gibberish thoughts that your sleeping self spilt.

Was your heart ever in pain?

Why did you conceal it beneath those smiles

That you threw to each that you passed by?

I could've been there by your side to listen

To your soul cries.

I had, I have always been there actually,

But did you ever notice my presence?

You let prejudicial thoughts into your head.

It held you down and left you with prejudicial mind, prejudicial life.

What do these 'prejudicial' meant?

Those prejudices that you had to yourself

And to people who actually cared for you.

You were plastic.

It made me sympathetic.

Heck if I said I love you, within I really do.

Now these feelings fade away, as the clock is ticking.

I can't understand why, but the time have me rushing.

Therefore,

Vale

My sweet amici.

Aeternum vale.

Throw me inside your story tale,

We shall meet again in Heaven

or Hell.

#27: Sweet Nothing

You live in a reality, made up in your mind.

What is reality?

Reality is a dark truth. And this dark truth you have to live in everyday, without you knowing it. Because you live in your own made up reality.

Do you want to escape?

Those who know of this, they created a fantasy. Partly delusional, in an unharmful way, externally. To conceal the dark truth, they coated their days with sugar. The sugar, means distractions. Distracting themselves from shitty truth with sweet lies.

They say the truth is bitter, it is.

You can't live telling only the truth. Everybody lies, eventually. You can possibly be honest by telling the alternative truth, which is basically partly the truth and partly a lie. Take it this (nasty) way, you wrap a shit in a paper, put it inside a plastic bag and show it to another person that it is a shit. The other person will know that it is a shit without ever knowing if it is a human's or a dog's, or how it looked like, or how pungent is the smell.

Yes, this is bullshit. Do you get my point though?

Not all truths are worth knowing. For an example, God purposedly does not reveal the exact time of the Day of Judgement, knowing we humans will go apeshit about it. Maybe that is a bad example, but you know what I'm trying to point out here.

There are some things we just do not necessarily have to know, because it might fuck us. The world is fair, humans are not. We had done shits we are not supposed to and we live trying to cover it up with something else. That's what made the truth dark.

The real reality is dark.
Live in yours.
Live in lies.
Be delusional.

J2

Here I am again, walking down the streets. The wireless headphone I just bought earlier, connected to the phone playing jazz tracks again. It's Toots Thielemans'. I love all these modern technology of wireless shits, ease me doing things. I'm still stuck in Malacca, while 'that other person' is already in his room typing something into his laptop. This Malacca though, is actually Amsterdam. I am not sure why, but I feel like I'm having some sort of a jet leg and a really bad headache. I don't remember drinking in the bar earlier. It already half past midnight. It is starting to get cold out here, although I am sweating. I'm wearing summer clothes, summer clothes in Malaysia, during winter, at Jonker Street, Malacca that is actually Amsterdam. The sweats starts to come out a lot more. Still having a bad headache, I faint.



I wake up, still at the bar. The bartender woke me, saying I dozed off and had a nightmare. He thought it was a seizure.
Fuck.


When I stand up from the chair, the world turns black. I'm on my bed.

#26

These days my head is full of shitty thoughts that I can't even think straight enough to write anything. I need to clean the mess up.

Iron & Wine

Love is a dress that you made
long to hide your knees
love to say this to your face,
'I'll love you only'
for your days and excitement,
what will you keep for to wear?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

Love and some verses you hear
say what you can't say
love to say this in your ear,
'I'll love you that way'
from your changing contentment,
what will you choose for to share?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

#25

It's been a while now, I've been doing pretty much the same. I went on a trip to find myself, both physically and mentally. Detached for a couple of weeks from those I know and blending myself in a circle of new people. Like always, it was awkward for me. It felt awkward to be accepted(it's not like I'm that isolated by the way). I don't know, maybe for all I know since I was small, people come and go. Never get to know anyone that close. Enough about that shit. I got myself quite useful experiences while I was there. How shitty I manage my own time, how shitty other people manage their own. I realized, more or less, that we are all bunch of screwed up people.

Pathetic.

Still, I took some things for granted, some opportunities for granted. It was stupid. I was supposed to build myself better, do shits I never did. But fortunately pathetically, at least I have the idea of doing those things. Time will soon come when I commit myself to do something for people, and me.

Changing myself for the better.

Empty can

It was summer,
You brought it,
Into my heart,
It's warm,
I love it,
I love you,
I love everything that you do,

But unfortunate, oh poor,
My heart fools me,
Pity love for having a bad master,
You're not here,
You're not beside me,
I feel empty,

These thoughts of you,
Made me feel blue,
I guess,
Dreams would never do,
Fantasizing an illusion,
Throw me into a confusion.

I'm just bored,
Bored of being alone,
Alone in my head,
With the faceless voices,
That I made up,
Everything,
That I made up.

J

It's been a while since I went to this place, the same band plays its jazz, the same bartender that I have long not spoken to. I sat. I don't want to drink anything tonight. It is a pretty bad day at work, well, my first bad day at work. I screwed some things up that got my boss turned to a devil. But who cares about him anyways. I've been feeling quite down since Monday. Been thinking, why am I not happy like I used to be, where is my joie de vivre. I guess the good Jazz playing throughout the bar is not soothing these thoughts.

#24

I just registered my name for inter-faculty public speaking earlier today. I'm feeling abit nervous yet excited for this is my first. I've never even done this when I was in school. It's going to be interesting to see how good the students' English level here. I know I'm not really a good speaker, but the experience will worth it, or will it not? I don't know yet. Time will decide for itself. The competition is on next Friday.

Wish me for the best?

P/S: I'm also nervous about final examinations, haven't properly start doing revisions. Daym. May God ease my study and revisions.

Take care, people.

#23

Why am I whining again?
Why did I choose to talk?
Why is it that I choose to hate?
Why is it that I choose to isolate?
Where is myself?
Where am I?
Am I doing it good enough?
Am I doing it good enough?
Am I doing it good enough?

I hate everyone, I hate myself. I couldn't find the love in me. I am judged too harshly, or my overflowing unnecessary thoughts drove me mad?

#ApaErtiMerdeka?

Aku, disini.
Kau, disana.
Kita,
Apa beza?

Warna kulit, warna rambut, warna mata, nama bangsa, jenis agama, suku kaum apa,
Aku lihat lebih daripada itu,
Kerana darah kita sama merah.

Merah, biru, kuning, putih,
Mewarnai selembar kain segi empat tepat menjadi sebuah bendera,
Lalu kita kibarkan ia,
Jalur Gemilang.

Udara yang kita hirup setiap hari,
Keluar masuk paru-paru,
Setiap nafas bagaikan,
Sesuatu yang baru.

Tanah bumi yang kita pijak ini,
Hanya bagaikan sebuah tompok kecil pada peta dunia,
Tetapi tompok ini menjadi rumah di hati,
Tempat yang aku kenal sebagai Malaysia.

Diam-diam seperti ubi,
Aku ingin menyumbang,
Terang-terang seperti karatnya besi,
Aku berbangga dengan lantang.

Aku anak Malaysia,
Di mana saja aku berada,
Aku anak Malaysia,
Sampai bila-bila.

"MERDEKA!
MERDEKA!
MERDEKA!"

Jadi jangan cuba kau kotori dengan ambisi syaitan kau, jangan cuba untuk menyuntik keji dalam minda saudara kau. Hiduplah dalam kesederhanaan, tolak ansur, hormat menghormati, semoga keharmonian itu kekal. Mari menjadi rakyat yang berguna.
 
Maasalamah, salam sejahtera.

#22

Tekstura penghidupan seharusnya abstrak, baru udara yang kau hirup akan rasa berbeza setiap hari. Dalam dunia yang abstrak, geometrinya tidak akan membatasi minda kau. Abstrak itu tidak wujud pada zahir, tetapi dalam diri kau sendiri.

"Apakah yang kau cuba maksudkan? Abstrak? Tekstura penghidupan?"

Selembar kain, ada pangkal awal dan hujungnya. Di tangan kau ada sebatang berus warna, dan sebuah set warna air(atau catan minyak, pastel dll.). Kau lakarkan ke atas kain itu corak-corak yang menggambarkan kehidupan itu. Pasti kau mahu membuat corak, bukan? Jarang pula jika kau mahu meng-'fill'-kan satu jenis warna sahaja. Jadi, kau pilih corak sepertimana yang kau mahu, Batik, Nordik, apa-apa yang kau terdetik mahu corakkan.

Comot, mesti ada bahagian yang kau tersilap. Cabaran kau untuk melakar itu ialah penghidupan. Kau membuat keputusan, dan setiap keputusan ke arah mana seterusnya kau akan menggerakkan tangan kau punyai kesannya sendiri. Kau adalah seorang seniman, pelukis dalam dunia jiwa kau.

Cebisan ini tiada kesimpulan. Selamat hari Ahad.

#21

"Siapakah dia yang berada di dalam hatimu itu?"

Ambil pisau ini, belah dada aku.

Di dalamnya ada sebuah cermin kecil. Kau akan lihat wajah dia.

"Dia berada di hadapan kamu. Kenapa tidak luahkan sahaja perasaan itu?"

Bukan tempat aku untuk memiliki dia.

Bukan tempat aku di sini.

Bukan tempat aku di mana-mana, di hati sesiapa.

Masih belum lagi.

Jadi aku lupakan dia, dengan alasan demi-Nya.

#20

Manusia sunyi adalah pencari secebis makna yang sudah hilang. Apakah bentuk dan rupa makna itu dia tak tahu. Yang dia tahu ialah hidupnya sekarang terasa sayu dan kosong.

- Empangan (Zakaria Ali)

Something's bothering me, I don't know what it is.

This is pretty annoying.

Need to get out of this hole.

Dang, I don't even know which hole I'm in.

Care to reach your hands out to me?

Things will always be better, isn't it?

Dari rumah burung di atas pokok, jatuh menyembah bumi tetapi masih belum mati.

Shits might been down, I know. I may not always be there for sure. But it is not fair for yourself to stop now. See, the road is too long and far ahead of us, and we are just still at the starting point. Is it fair for you to stop now? You might not always get what you want but you always get what you need, in some ways.

Is it fair for you to stop now? No.
Try get your thoughts out of the box, where there is no boxes at all. See things beyond what it is, between the lines. You'll find that, it's not so bad after all, you still have the time to find the opportunities.

Don't be so bummed, life is meant to be shitty, so we'll become the strong-willed. Don't fail on that.

Hidup memang palat, tapi esok masih ada.

I always try to be a good friend, but after all I'm just a human being. I fucked up, broke promises, do shits I wasn't supposed to. I'm sorry for that.

#19

Puas aku mensajakkan dirimu,
Setiap masa yang berlegar di fikiranku, kamu,
Tetapi serangkap pantun pun tiada dibalas luahan hati aku,
Adakah aku hanya sekadar mampu berbisik pada angin bayu,
Hingga kata-kata ini kelam ditelan cahaya bulan yang sayu?

Atau kau hanya sekadar bayang hampa?
Mungkin kita tidak patut bersama.

#18

Last Wednesday there was a buka puasa bersama rektor event at the Islamic Centre in my campus,
the rektor, or someone, whom I had forgotten his name, caught my attention when during his speech, there was this small part that really provoked my thoughts. Because it made so much, I don't know, sense?

Goes pretty much like this,

Tiga orang tentera sedang mabuk apabila salah seorang daripada mereka berkata, "Hei kamu berdua, mari kita bertanding untuk buktikan siapa di antara kita adalah yang paling zalim." Pada waktu itu juga seorang perempuan sedang berjalan berhampiran dengan tempat mereka berada, lalu seorang daripada mereka terus berjalan menuju ke arah perempuan itu dan melayangkan satu tamparan yang menyebabkan perempuan itu jatuh ke tanah. Dia lalu berkata, "Aku telah menampar seorang wanita, maka akulah yang paling zalim." Seorang lagi pula berkata, "Kau belum lagi sezalim mana." Lalu dia pergi ke arah perempuan itu, menendang, merogol lalu membunuh perempuan itu. Akhirnya yang ketiga berkata,"Kalian berdua bukanlah yang paling zalim, sesungguhnya aku yang paling zalim kerana wanita itu ialah adikku."

Initially the topic was about how the Muslim community around the world do not support each other as much as they should. He said that the first soldier can be interpreted as the Israel/Zionists, the second as America, and the third one is the other Muslims that didn't care much about their brothers who are living their lives everyday filled with fear.


We should, as Muslims, in any ways, help our brothers.Always donate, whether be it money, things or just simply doa(s). The conditions are getting worse in Syria, Egypt, Palestine, Rohingya etc.

Keep on praying for them.

#17

Sometimes I just feel like everyone is judging me and be like

#16

(repost from Jux)

"Adakah aku cukup melayu untuk panggil diri aku sebagai melayu?"

"Adakah aku cukup Islam untuk panggil diri aku seorang muslim?"

"Adakah aku cukup manusia untuk membezakan perangai binatang?"

"Adakah aku cukup bagus untuk mencaci orang?"

"Adakah aku layak untuk apa yang aku ada sekarang?"

"Adakah aku hanya salah seorang daripada semua orang?"

"Adakah aku terlalu jahil untuk mengetahui Tuhan?"

"Adakah aku sudah jauh terbabas di persimpangan?"

"Adakah aku terlalu membosankan?"

"Adakah aku terlalu senang dibenci?"

"Adakah aku akan mati meninggalkan senyuman?"

"Adakah aku semakin lalai?"

"Adakah aku akan capai impian aku?"

"Adakah aku akan sempat untuk membuktikan kejayaan kepada orang tuaku?"

"Adakah aku seorang kawan yang baik?"

"Adakah aku seorang adik yang baik?"

"Adakah aku seorang anak yang taat?"

Adakah aku masih aku?

Masih mencari.

#15

(repost from Jux)

Sebagai manusia, secara alaminya kita semua suka menilai. Kita tidak boleh berhenti mengamalkan tabiat ini. Kita akan condemn segala apa yang kelihatan tidak betul pada mata kita.

But, kita boleh kurangkan perkara ni. Cuba stop bila mulut kita rasa nak kutuk sesuatu atau berkata buruk tentang sesuatu. Walaupun memang (contoh) seseorang itu berkelakuan buruk, tetapi tiada beza antara kita dengan seseorang itu jika kita bercakap buruk lagi menyebarkan pula pandangan negatif itu kepada orang lain, bukankah kita dah tetiba tergolong dalam golongan orang yang mengumpat? It's better to keep it to yourselves. It's not going to do anyone any good just to talk about it.

Benda macam ni senang diambil ringan, sebab semua tak ada masa nak care.

Simple principles, tapi ramai manusia failed untuk ikut. Mari membaiki diri.

"See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil, Do no evil."

#14: Salah yang Betul dan Betul yang Salah.

(grabbed from my Jux. I like to grab. Eh?)

Salah, semua salah. Salah. Salah. Salah!

Siapa pelakunya?

Bukan aku, dia! Pasti dia yang buat!

Senang sahaja nak menuding. Kebanyakan kita serkap jarang. Lega bila dapat sandarkan sesuatu beban ke atas orang lain. Bukan aku nak cakap yang semua kena blame diri sendiri, tetapi bukan semua salah orang lain. Nilai satu keadaan sebelum bertindak. Aku sendiri pun selalunya hancur dalam mengawal diri untuk menuding jari ke arah orang lain. Banyak ruang perspektif yang kita perlu cuba lihat dari sebelum konklusikan sebuah pendapat. Dalam hal ni, musuh kita ialah perasaan.

Susah untuk fokus dan telitikan sesuatu semasa perasaan sedang membuak-buak mengawal organ-organ yang tidak sepatutnya dikawal oleh perasaan, dalam konteks ni, mulut. Pernah tak termarah/tercakap/termaki/terpukul/tersemuabendayangburuk seseorang hanya untuk ketahui yang kita buat keputusan yang salah(mengetahui keadaan/realiti sebenar sesuatu perkara). Even kalau kau ter-misinformation kawan kau pasal sesuatu lepas tu balik dan sedar yang kau sebar maklumat salah, rasa malu akan memanaskan telinga kau dan waktu tu kau akan rasa bagai mahu tarik balik semua ayat-ayat yang kau lepaskan. Faktap?

Ada ayat entah dari langit mana turun pun aku tak ingat, lebih kurang berbunyi,"tuding satu jari ke seseorang akan menuding 4 jari kembali kepada kau".

Kawalan perasaan ni adalah sebuah kemahiran yang bukan secara jentik tahi hidung boleh kuasai dalam masa sehari sesetengah orang hinggakan pergi menjalani terapi untuk mengawal (selalunya) perasaan marah. Jadi, try to be two-minded about things, don't rush into conclusions.

Kalau kau masih tak boleh mengawal, cari jalan penyelesaian yang tidak menyakitkan hati dua-dua pihak. Atau silent treatment. Aku ketengahkan perasaan marah dalam ni sebab itu salah satu faktor menuding jari. Selamat menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik.

#13

You bring out the sunshine,
But oh, you forgot to chase away the rain.
And now, it's getting darker.
Cold again.

Tidak terbalas.

Salahkan bintang yang tidak pernah muncul pada waktu siang,
Salahkan bulan yang tidak pernah pantul rindu dan sayang,
Salahkan hati yang menyebabkan kau hilang,
Salahkan semua kerana cinta yang tidak pernah kubilang.

#12

Ugh, stop being such a baby.

#11

Kelakar, tapi bodoh.
Mahukan sesuatu, dan apabila sudah dapat dan yang didapat itu tidak kena dengan citarasa, dilepaskan saja.
Selepas itu, merungut kerana tidak dapat apa yang dimahukan walaupun sudah diberi peluang untuk mendapat yang kedua terbaik.
Lebih bodoh daripada tarian tangan gwiyomi.

Diri aku.

Selain itu, seringkah rasa takut datang menghantu apabila mahu melakukan sesuatu? Ketakutan yang menyuntik sangsi ke dalam minda, lalu kita terlupa untuk melakukan perkara-perkara yang sepatutnya kita lakukan. Itu juga bodoh. Semuanya.

Mahu sahaja aku berontak, tapi tiada sebab untuk berontak. Mahu sahaja aku mengalah, tapi jalan terlalu jauh untuk pulang. Mahu sahaja mati, tapi hidupku belum bertemu ajal lagi.

Aku tidak mengerti mana yang sebetul-betulnya yang harus aku lakukan.

Persetan.

Maaf kerana aku begini.
Aku masih belajar untuk berdiri.

#10

Malam bingitkan sepi
Rindu koyakkan hati
Cengkerik berbunyi
Aku masih di sini
Aku menanti
Menanti si pungguk untuk kembali
Yang menghilangkan diri
Mencari bulan yang dicuri
Ke hutan aku masuk
Meneroka ke dalam gelap
Menanti hari esok
Akan sinar sunia membawa malap.

#9

Salam.
Hi there, no one.

It's been some time since I last posted anything. Well my suka hati lah nak post or not.
My first weeks of being in residential college in the university, taught me some basic surviving skills. Thank God now I'm a better person(still working hard!) than I am back then.

I still miss everything back in Selayang, just that my ego is that hard enough to not let me so homesick.
I miss driving and blasting my song playlist that no one will ever enjoy except myself, pijak-ing Kiiva(read: Kiba), hanging out with the dudes and shits like that.

Things are different now, as much as I want to keep them as they are, or were. Being on my own, I learnt to appreciate people more, and giving less fuck to problems and focuses more on solving them.
I'm still struggling hard to get out of the social-awkward hole. I'm enjoying this, being in a new environment, challenges me to either stay true to myself or end up a garbage.

Doa that I'll always be at my best, I pray for your best too.

May peace be upon you.

Secebis Nota di Atas Meja.(repost from IG)

Mungkin yang sudah lepas itu indah, walaupun berduri.

 Aku harus tinggalkan ia disini, mekar sebagai secebis memori.

 Pahit atau manis aku mengerti,

 segalanya tidak akan berulang lagi. 

Jam berdetik, masa membawa situasi yang berbeza. 

Di sudut kecil dalam hatiku, aku masih sama, walaupun matang usia. 

Meskipun terpisah berselerakan di atas muka dunia,

 jangan lupa tanah yang pernah kita pijak. 

Selamat jalan dan semoga kita bersua lagi di puncak.

#8

Shh,
     Be discreet.

#7

Sometimes things just didn't seem to turn out the way we wanted it to. It's shitty, but we have to take it as it is. 

Move on.

The things that you actually need may not always be one of your 'want'. God is Supreme, He is fair in His judgements. You have to make things work out for you because the 'path' is already in front of you. Don't compare your 'path' with others'. We all got our own, some maybe lucky, some may have to go the long way to succeed in life.

Be grateful. Life is shitty, but you don't have to make it any shitty than it already is.

Be harder, better, faster, stronger than you are now.

Kaizen.

#6

The waiting's over, Alhamdulillahiladzi bi ni'matihi tattimush solihaat. Haven't told my parents yet(they can't seem to angkat calls!). But my bro and sis gave immediate support(immediate as in texts and a hug).

Speechless I was, I couldn't said anything more than a thank to God for letting me be on this path. And basically to everyone for the never-ending "you can!"(s).
 Abah and Mak, kalau budi boleh dibayar nyawa, aku serah segalanya.

Never been this happy since my childhood days.
Enough the cheesiness now, eh?

Run, my baby. Run.

"Love can be so strange

Don't it amaze you?

Every time you give yourself away

It comes back to haunt you

Love's an elusive charm and it can be painful

To understand this crazy world

But you're not gonna crack

No you're never gonna crack

Life can be so cruel

Don't it astound you?

So when nothing seems too certain or safe

Let it burn through you

You can keep it pure on the inside

And you know what you believe to be right

So you're not gonna crack

No you're never gonna crack

Find out who you are before you regret it

Cause life is so short there's no time to waste it"

Garbage

(yes, I removed the chorus.)

#5

"However you define success, expect a messy -but ultimately great- path."

 Adam Dachis 

#4

Sedikit rasa kesal dan kecewa hinggap di otak benak aku. Aku tidak seproduktif yang aku sangka aku boleh, dan aku tidak pasti apa yang menghalang aku.

Procrastination is a sin, and it's fucking me over and over.

Aku rasa aku tidak patut begini.

Where is the reset button now? I would like to start over. Or maybe I can continue over and move on but to be different, better.

Hey, I like that. "Different kind of better". More "buttery" better. :p

Tuhan, permudahkan aku untuk menjadi lebih baik. Semua, maaf kerana hingga saat ini, aku masih tidak dapat jadi yang terbaik. Aku akan jadi lebih daripada ini. Terbaik yang aku boleh jadi, aku akan kecap itu.

Sampai saat itu, tetaplah dengan aku di sini.

#3

The above, can't be any truer.

See, while things can be as easy as it could, sometimes things can be somewhat be a dark gravity that pulls you right into that bottomless hole. If things be of the latter, don't worry and just go through it.

If you try, try and try but you don't succeed, remember that the experiences you obtained from trying so hard can(or may) make whatever comes next easier.

Also, we are designed to think. Therefore, the things that we go through usually are the way they are to let us think, and to find out the solutions(our own way).

God is mysterious in His ways. Have faith in yourself.

#2

Sejak kebelakangan ini aku rasa aku terlalu kerap mengeluh. Apa yang aku keluhkan?
Tiada sebab untuk aku mengeluh atas perkara-perkara yang kecil. Ada juga rasa seperti manja.

Aku harus belajar untuk menerima dugaan, aku harus belajar untuk sengsara. Gembira itu bukankah boleh datang kemudian?

"Berakit-rakit ke hulu,
   Berenang-renang ke tepian,
Bersakit-sakit dahulu,
   Bersenang-senang kemudian."

Jadi, apa jua yang mendatang selepas ini akan aku terima tidak kira bersedia atau tidak. Iya, bunyi agak klise.
Aku bergantung kepada jantung yang berdegup, lapisan iman yang melindungi jiwa dan tangan-tangan kalam yang menolak aku dari belakang untuk terus maju ke hadapan.

"Kaizen", seperti kata Ken Watanabe.

Masa juga telah tiba untuk aku berhenti mengeluh, dan mula berpeluh. Jika belum tampak jelas perubahan aku, jangan risau, timbulkan sedikit rasa percaya kepada aku.

#1

Aku duduk dalam bilik,

kipas berputar, mengeringkan keringat yang sekali-sekala berputik di dahi.

Sepi yang nyaman, cengkerik bernyanyi dan aku ditemani bisikan hati.

Semakin banyak persoalan yang timbul, soalan-soalan yang seperti bola-bola berisi angin di kolam air.

Aku tidak boleh memaksa ia tenggelam ke dasar. Sebaliknya aku yang tenggelam dalam jawapan.

Harapnya aku dapat jumpa jawapan yang mungkin sebenarnya bukan jawapan, sebelum aku hilang ditelan gelap masa.

Doakan aku supaya sentiasa jumpa jawapan yang terbaik, kerana aku tahu yang betul itu tidak selalu baik.